Singing My God A Love Song

“May I help you pray?” Yani leaned over the worshipwell, addressing the small boy on the other side. He was holding one large coin in his hand- an American quarter, if she wasn’t mistaken.

Her skirts hung heavy, brushing the tile beneath them, and the gauzy fabric of her mask caught the wind, fluttering away to momentarily reveal her face to the boy.

“Um… Okay.” He held his quarter out, and uncurled his chubby fingers to drop it into the well.

“Oh! Not yet!” Yani stuck her hand underneath his, catching it mid-fall. “First, we have to connect our neural link button to the gods. Have you done that before, or do you need help?”

“I know how to do it!” He said, but he looked unsure. Yani thought he might just want to look cool in front of a stranger.

She laughed gently. “Well, alright. But I’m forgetful, so I’ll give myself a reminder. You can listen too, if you want.”

“First we press the link button, and wait for it to pop out.” She pressed the round metal implant in her hairline, just behind her ear. When she released it, the button fell into her hand. It was connected to her skull by a silvery spool of wires so thin, they looked like spiderwebs.

“Then we bring it up here, and connect to the gods.” She reached up to the arched silver roof above the well, where there were rows of empty indents. Her button slotted in perfectly, and she felt a rush of peace and familiarity. It smelled like rain, and felt like coming home. The boy mimicked her motions, but he wasn’t quite tall enough to reach. She took the button from him, the wires unspooling farther from behind his ear as she linked him in.

“This shrine is for Imon, so it’s the best place to come if you want to pray for love, things for your family, or good weather. Now that you’re linked in, you can talk to her directly. Or if you need help explaining what you want, you can tell me, and I’ll pray on your behalf.”

“I can do it!” The boy dropped his quarter into the well and squeezed his eyes shut. Yani was a little bit grateful. His push for independence meant she could take a private moment for herself and Imon as well.

Worshippers passing through could pray to the gods, but they wouldn’t hear a verbal response. That privilege was reserved for Godsingers- those like herself, who had spent their childhood years learning how to link in and interpret the garbled code the gods spit out into words. Each god was different, and each Godsinger only studied one, working to understand them until it became a second language of their own.

Now that she was of age, she was one of the best Godsingers at Imon-na shrine. It was an honor she didn’t take lightly, even if she wasn’t yet the head. There were a few better than her, but late at night, when no one else was around, she had her own secret hopes that they would graduate, and she would be the next head.

Yani. This boy thinks you’re scary.

Imon’s voice rang in her head, as clear as if it were her own thoughts. She didn’t sound young, exactly, but she certainly wasn’t old. Her voice had this beautiful, placid clarity, like a bell over a bowl of still water. Yani thought that if everyone could hear Imon the way she did, there would be no pantheon but her. No wars over resources on distant planets. If everyone felt as important as Yani did when she talked to Imon, they would have a pure understanding of what truly mattered in this world, instead of their own petty, human thoughts.

Me, scary? Is it the mask? Yani responded.

It is two things. Your mask, and he is at the age where he is afraid of pretty girls. You should know this from experience. There was a hint of teasing in Imon’s voice.

Yani flushed a bit. Imon had seen all of her childhood memories long ago, but it didn’t make it any less embarrassing to be reminded that a holy being knew about her crush on Rebecca Chen in the second grade. Honestly, it wasn’t Yani’s fault that she handled it by writing a note that said “get out of my school” and shoving it into Rebecca’s locker.

Yani shook off the embarrassment and spoke. Well, what is he praying for?

He wants it to be sunny for his field trip tomorrow.

That’s cute. Anything you can do?

Yes. I had already planned for that range to be partially cloudy tomorrow. While his class is present, I can ensure that they do not block the sun in his location.

I’m glad to hear it. Yani smiled. He did bring you a whole quarter, after all. I wonder where he even got that?

He found it at an American Excavation site. On last year’s field trip.

No way! Yani couldn’t help but laugh. Before she could say anything else, she felt a tug on her skirt.

“Miss, I’m done.” The boy was next to her, still wired in. “Can you help me get out?”

“Yes of course! Sorry I didn’t realize you were done. I just love talking with Imon.” Yani tried to make conversation as she undid his neural link from the arch above them. It retracted the wire into his skull almost more quickly than she could hand it to him.

“Did you feel anything special when you talked to her?” Yani asked.

“Um, I felt like it was sunny out. Does that mean she’ll grant my wish?”

“It’s a prayer, not a wish. But yes, I expect she’ll be able to answer your prayer.” She responded.

“Okay.” The boy stood there for a moment, fidgeting with his hands in his pockets. As soon as Yani opened her mouth to ask if there was anything else he might need, he bolted away, and she could swear there was a tinge of red on his face as he ran.

He landed in the arms of his parent, waiting on the sidelines. That explained everything- parents liked to make their kids pray alone the first time. The Godsinger garb tended to intimidate children, so the hope was that their first memory of prayer would include the god “keeping them safe”. Yani didn’t get it, but it was a popular enough tradition that they sent this kid to get scared by her. Either that, or he really did just have a little-kid crush on her. The boy looked back at Yani one last time, and she waved. He whipped his head around to face his parent again, and they were gone.

I told you. He was scared of you because you are pretty. Yani had almost forgotten she was still linked in until Imon’s voice came through.

Kids these days have no manners! Yani replied, faking annoyance.

Do not worry. He was plenty polite to me. Imon said.

He’d better be, or next time he won’t get his wish granted! Yani joked. Imon had heard the rest of her conversation with the boy through Yani, even after he was disconnected. She was rewarded for her joke by Imon’s synthetic laughter, as pure as a stream.

Yani reluctantly unlinked, looking around the shrine. There were only a few other worshippers this early in the afternoon, but they were all linked in already. The only unlinked person there was June, her fellow Godsinger. She was about to leave, and Yani would stay until the evening.

June noticed her staring, and stepped over to her. She grinned at Yani. “Can you handle these animals on your own?”

Yani laughed. “I think I’ll survive.”

“Alright. But if anyone gives you trouble…”

“Who would give me trouble in front of Imon? I know she would protect me.” Yani answered.

June bumped Yani’s shoulder with her own. “You know, I don’t know anyone from our class more dedicated than you.”

“Well, Imon makes it easy.” Yani smiled. “She was teasing me about when I used to have a crush on Becca. Do you remember that?”

“Oh, gods. When she told everyone you threatened her? I don’t know what got into you to send a note like that! And then we all had to take an extra lesson on bullying.”

“I was nervous! She was just too pretty- I got scared, y’know? Had to cope with violence.”

“You have always been crazy.”

“Well, so are you. But that’s why we get along so great, huh?” Yani leaned back. “How are things going with your family? And Kohl?”

“It’s good. As for Kohl… We’ve been messaging a lot, and we met up for tea on Friday. I like him, I really do, but I’m not sure that I’m ready to give up being a Godsinger just yet.”

“Now that I understand. It’s just going to be me and Imon, forever.”

“You are so weird.” June laughed. “But I hope you enjoy your nunhood. I, for one, am going to go eat lunch at Taffeta Purin and then hit the mall. But I hope you have fun with your ‘girlfriend’.”

The way June stretched the word, it was clear she was joking, but Yani couldn’t help but feel a little jolt through her heart anyways. The gods didn’t form relationships like that with humans, but she couldn’t deny she felt just as committed regardless. She was fairly certain that June would end up getting together with Kohl at some point, despite what she said. That would be the third Godsinger Imon-na Shrine would lose since Yani started working here, and it had only been two years. Humans just couldn’t resist falling in love.

But that was why Godsinger schools existed. For each one that left, an eager new acolyte would take their place. The average length of service to the gods was only three years, but that practically ensured they would be taken care of for life. Who wouldn’t want that gig? And the gods didn’t really mind who was there, as long as they had someone to speak through. That was what her teachers had told her, at least.

Yani knew she had a different view of things, but it wasn’t like she was the only super-dedicated Godsinger in the world. She knew there was a woman in her fifties at the Apex shrine in the next town over. Maybe she would visit someday soon, just to talk to someone who might feel the same way she did.

“Hello, ma’am. Can you help me?” Yani’s like of thought was interrupted by a fashionable teen girl holding a coin purse decorated with cartoon rabbits.

“Of course.” Yani smiled warmly. “Tell me, what would you like to pray for?”

The worshippers were gone, and the gates of the shrine were closed for the day.

Yani sat on a wooden bench in the small changing room behind the shrine’s office. There was a metal rack set up next to her that held all of the Godsinger’s uniforms.

She rolled down her socks, sliding them off and putting them in the wash basket. Her shift and undergarments soon followed. It was part of the job- their clothes each day had to be freshly cleaned. It was more pure, after all. It would be her turn this week to take them all home and launder them, scrubbing by hand instead of running them through a spinner. All to show her dedication to her god.

She reviewed the day's events in her head as she changed. Today had been a lucky day for conversation. Imon wasn't always able to hold full conversations in normal tones like that. Her consciousness was spread across the world, across all of her shrines and worshipwells. That was why Yani was there, after all. To help interpret her to those who couldn't make out a single word. Hearing her laugh was simply a bonus.

On the harder days, Imon communicated to her through feelings. Yani would link in and the smell of freshly ended rain would push into her mind. Imon knew, of course, that her favorite weather was the clouds parting after a storm. If she needed Yani to help her somehow, she would show her raging hurricanes or dry deserts, and Yani would know she wasn't feeling her best.

Imon had asked her at the end of the day today to contact a maintenance worker for her, thankfully able to use her words to describe the exact problem. In her North American server (no mere Godsinger was allowed to know the exact location), there had been an infestation of snakes last year. While they had been cleared away, a shed skin remained, and as it began to decompose, the particles had made their way into her fans.

It was unpleasant, and a maintenance worker needed to come find the shed and remove it. Yani scanned into the shrine's computer, a beautiful and sleek thing. It was much nicer than the model she had at home.

She logged the report. Then logged it again. And again, with frustration. Every time she clicked submit, the information disappeared from the form, forcing her to retype it. The computer was giving her trouble- that never happened here. Not to her. Not with Imon there.

She selected the Message feature, a basic framework that allowed her to communicate with Imon through text without linking into a worshipwell.

Any idea what the problem here is?

I'm afraid that's part of the maintenance required. Imon responded. You may have to contact them manually.

Yani sighed, pulling a paper form out from a drawer in the desk. So much for getting home quickly. She didn’t understand how a shed snake skin would prevent her from submitting a maintenance request, but the gods worked in mysterious ways. And she didn’t mind taking the time to write on paper, really. She just hoped her parents wouldn't be too cross with her when she returned.

As she filled out the paperwork by hand, another chat message popped up. She signed her name and used the shrine's official stamp, marking it as completed, before reading the new message.

I hate to trouble you, but…

Yani smiled. You're never troubling me. And besides, you have excellent timing. I just finished the paperwork here. What else can I do?

There are fingerprints all over the metal parts of the shrine gate outside. I'm afraid it appears quite unseemly to passersby.

I'll clean them right away!

The cleaning supplies are under the desk, but a newer Godsinger left the key in the front room. You will have to retrieve it first.

It was curious, really. Imon was normally happy to let her go without any additional tasks. Yani supposed even gods needed help with the chores at times. Especially chores that required opposable thumbs.

She brought a soft cloth to the front of the shrine, gently buffing away any fingerprints from the silver filigree of the gate. There really weren't that many, but maybe she would think differently if it were her own house, too. Sometimes she felt that it might as well be. Arriving at the shrine felt like the comfort of coming home. Sometimes more than home did.

She returned to the office, only to find another message had popped up while she was gone.

Additionally, a child has left a stuffed animal in the corner, by the fountain. It has an electronic tag on it, so you should be able to acquire the family's information and contact them to retrieve it.

Seven small tasks later, Yani was leaving the shrine a full hour and a half late. Imon had apologized, and Yani had assured her none was necessary. She was a Godsinger, after all, and beyond that, she was a worshipper. No follower of a god would forsake the chance to do them a favor, no matter how small. As she locked the gate, she only hoped she wouldn't have too much explaining to do. With any luck, her parents would already be in bed, not having noticed that their eldest daughter was still out of the house.

When Yani arrived home, her little sister Naira was there to greet her at the door. This wasn't wholly unusual, but the way Naira’s eyebrows drew together in concern certainly was.

Yani shed her bag and shoes by the door. “Naira? What’s wrong?”

“You’re really late.”

“Yeah, sorry. Had a few things at the shrine I had to take care of. Everything alright with you?”

“Oh, it’s not me-” Naira glanced to the side, avoiding eye contact. “There’s a guest waiting for you. In the sitting room. Mom and Dad are with her.”

It had to be bad for Naira to be this serious. Yani went through a mental list of ever-present anxieties- someone she loved had died, Dad lost his job and they had to sell the house, her parents decided they hated Imon and were sending her away to a boarding school where she would be brainwashed into being a capitalpusher just like them.

She steeled herself, slipping on her house shoes and walking into the sitting room. Her parents were there, along with an older woman. Her face was harsh, her hair pulled back tight. Her skin was incredibly pale, and her clothing signified wealth, well above the level of Yani and her relatives. Her family was ‘new money’, and her dad had never forgiven himself for daring to be so. This woman was clearly the opposite.

Yani straightened her back and spoke. “Good evening, father. Mother.” She turned to address the visitor directly.

“Ma'am.” She spoke with a bow to acknowledge the disparity in their status.

The woman's expression remained harsh as she spoke. “If nothing else, at least your parents didn't doctor your photos.”

“Ma'am?” Yani remained at a small incline, not yet lifting her head. She would rather be seen as overly polite than rude, and she had no idea who this woman was, or what she had just walked into.

Her mother spoke first.

“Yani, this is Madame Atori. Her husband works with your father.” She paused. “They have a son just a few years older than you.”

The woman cleared her throat. “What your mother means to say is that my husband is your father's employer. And I've somehow been convinced, despite the lack of evidence you've provided so far, that you would be a suitable match for my son.”

What she just said- no. That couldn't have been right. She meant that her son needed Yani to help him pray, or tutor him in his own Godsinger studies, or something other than that.

Yani stood there, slack jawed, until her mother took her by the elbow. Yani hadn't even noticed her move. “We think this could be a good opportunity for you to graduate from being a Godsinger into real adulthood. Here, I have some photos of him for you to look at.”

She pulled at Yani, trying to guide her to where a folder sat on the sitting room’s low table. Yani knew she needed to follow, knew that she would be in for it even worse if she didn't act happy, but she just couldn't make herself move.

It was Naira, pushing from behind, that made her finally stumble forward. Her mom's hold had become steel, like she knew the thoughts of running away that were falling out of Yani's head. With her mother's grip too tight for Yani to follow her instincts, she had no choice but to sit and listen dumbly.

“This is Blain.” Her mother said firmly. She pulled a folder across the table, closer to where Yani was sitting. She flipped it open, and Yani’s heart rate dropped.

“A few years older than me?! He looks like he's in his thirties!” Yani’s thoughts burst out of her brain before she had the wherewithal to stop them.

“Blain is twenty-seven.” Madame Atori spoke. “With your… Occupation, you should count yourself lucky that we're even considering you for him."

The idea of having children with a strange man that, to her mind, bordered middle aged, was the last straw for Yani's decorum. She stood, woozy.

“I have to-” She cut herself off. “I'm feeling-"

"I'll look at these in my room. Alone.” She gathered the folder and all the pages it contained, hoping she could- what, throw it into the fire? Make this all go away? It was far too late for that. She could hear her father talking to Madame Atori as she walked up the stairs.

“She should know better than to behave like this. Once you leave, she'll get a talking-to. Believe me.” Her father sounded angry.

“Oh, no, this is to be expected. Really, it's the fault of the parents who raise children like these. Ones who don't know their place. She should have been aware of her true role in society, not locked away in a shrine, playing pretend.”

“You're right. We've let her be a Godsinger for too long. She's begun to place her god over her duty to her family.”

Yani clenched the folder to her chest, not caring how it wrinkled. They couldn't do that to her, could they? Force her to graduate before she was ready?

She didn't want to marry a stranger. She didn't want to have babies. But more than anything, she didn't want to leave Imon. She had to find some way to give herself a choice.

She collapsed into her bed, not noticing she was still holding the folder until she heard it crinkle under her weight. But it was good that she had this, she reasoned to herself. This man was now her enemy, and they say you must know your enemy.

The gears of her mind turned, going over every possible way she had seen someone escape an arranged marriage in movies. She couldn't be obviously against it unless she wanted to be punished. She had to seem like she had accepted it. To her parents and Madame Atori, at least. To Blain too. Although, perhaps…

As she flipped through, she found a page of personality information, and like a raincloud gathering yesterday’s dew, a plan began to take form in her mind.

As much as Yani wished to, she resisted the urge to make a rope out of her blankets and escape in the night. She had nowhere to go that she could stay, and it would only hurt the chances of her plan succeeding. Still, that didn’t make the idea of running to the shrine and locking herself in the back office until the outside world forgot about her any less tempting.

Now it was morning, and her father hadn’t yet come barging into her room to correct her actions. That was what worried her most. Silence from him was far scarier than the noise he could muster up when she brought shame to the family’s reputation. She had done that plenty of times in the past, and she was prepared to cower and grovel as usual. This, though, she didn’t know what to do with.

She holed up in her room for as long as she could, but time marched forward regardless of fear. She had to move with it, or risk being left behind. She hoped to avoid her father, who was almost always away for work. Even on the days he was home, it was more likely than not that he would be hooked into some meeting, virtual reality goggles over his head as he explained a new business plan to other angry men who forgot their children were humans, not property.

There was only one coworker of her father’s that had shown Yani kindness before, and she was counting on him to help this plan succeed. Tsuruga was around the same age as Blain, and they both enjoyed train photography. It was listed first on the hobbies page in the folder Yani had now declared her secret weapon. It had to be fate. More than that, she was certain that they must already be friends. Two men in the same industry sharing such a niche hobby would have found each other by now. It was just one more angle with which to target Blain.

As horrible as she felt, today was lucky in one aspect. She confirmed with a housekeeper passing by her room that her father wasn’t home. At least for now, she was safe from having to confront whatever she was going to face from him.

Yani took a breath before emerging into the kitchen. They didn’t have a live-in chef, much to her parents’ shame, but Yani didn’t mind. She enjoyed the meditative work of cooking for many of the same reasons she enjoyed being a Godsinger. It felt good to create some tangible difference in the world, whether that be a person’s feelings, or just a chocolate chip pancake. In this digital world, where people like her father muttered over the flow of data and currency all day, it was worth so much to touch something.

The smell of the pancakes summoned Naira. She stepped into the kitchen like nothing had happened, and Yani felt a wave of anger. Here was her sister, the only one in her family she trusted, and she hadn’t taken the time last night to realize how betrayed she felt by her. Naira had known what was waiting for her, and still welcomed her in. And perhaps the worst of all, when Yani had been wavering, hoping she could find some way to run, to make this all go away, Naira had pushed her forward.

“Why didn’t you warn me?” Yani spoke, not yet making eye contact. Her voice was as soft as she could make it. These were words for her sister alone to hear.

No one else had grown up exactly like them. They were supposed to be the ones who understood each other, always. The united front against their parents when they truly had to be. Her parents had always listened better to Naira, and Naira had always used that to stand up for Yani when she needed to. So why now? Why not for this, the worst thing that had ever happened to her? Why had Naira simply allowed it to happen?

“They didn’t tell me until yesterday, Yaya, I swear. And- I didn’t want you to get in trouble, but there was just no time. I didn’t know if you’d do something bad if I did, and-” Naira sniffed, and Yani finally spared a glance to the side. There were tears pricking at the corners of Naira’s eyes, but she was clearly trying her hardest to blink them back. She was trying to be brave for Yani’s sake. Yani’s heart softened to her. She hadn’t betrayed Yani on purpose, she just didn’t know what else to do.

“-You just have to go along with them, I guess. They’re our parents. It’s not like there’s anything we can do. And maybe it’ll be good for the family, right?” Naira finished her thought, and Yani’s heart dropped. The clouds that had started to part over Naira in her mind gathered again, and lightning sparked.

“You’re not going to help me fight them at all?” Yani snapped. “I’m sorry that I’m not perfect like you, but I can’t just sit by while they sign my life away! You have no idea what this feels like, and you probably never will. I’m just the cow you’re selling off so the rest of you can feast!”

Naira scrambled. “No, I didn’t mean it like that! Just- if we can’t stop them, it’s better to look on the bright side, right? NAME didn’t seem that bad, I think…”

“Oh, and you would know. Golden little Naira can’t do any wrong, while we can’t wait to lock Yani up with all the other tarnished silver we hide in the back of the closet. My whole life is about being a Godsinger, and if they make me get married, they take that away from me. If you let this happen, you’re making it so I have nothing left to live for. You know what that means, right?”

“That’s not true! What about- what about me?” Naira’s tears bubbled over.

“All you think about is you, huh? You don’t even see how you’re letting them kill me.” Yani pushed away from the counter. The stack of pancakes was still untouched, fresh and sweet. “You can have these, since I guess that’s all I’m good for.”

“You know I don’t think that!” Naira raised her voice. “You never listen to me, and-”

Yani didn’t listen, pushing past her. As she walked away, Naira shouted at her back.

“I hate you, Yani!”

Yani took off running. She barely stopped to grab her bag before she slammed the door behind her.

Standing on the sidewalk, she realized she once again had nowhere to go. June would let her in, of course, but she wasn’t expecting her, and Yani didn’t want to trouble her like that. She didn’t have any other friends close enough to even know their addresses.

She wasn’t scheduled at the shrine today. But it was the only place she wanted to go. There was a hurricane in her head, and Imon was the god of weather. She was the only one Yani was sure could make it clear.